Time shift on the London Underground

Work in progress - constructive criticism welcome

Synopsis

Arrival times for trains on the arrival boards at station platforms on the Underground are not directly representative of standard time increments but describe a modified time ('LUmin') which has a statistical relationship to standard time.

Theory

It should be a simple matter to predict the arrival time of the next train at a station on the Underground. The factors affecting an ideal system seem simple:

v₀ The velocity of the train at the moment of calculation
n The number of stations at which it has to call
s_n The distance between the train's position and each station
t_n-1The time it waits at each station preceding
v_n The maximum speed the train can safely run over each section of track (idealised as an average over the section)
a The acceleration of the train to v_n

Sadly abandoned due to the risk of being arrested for suspicious behaviour post-7/7

Advance notice

For once, we're being clued in on one of the sneaky codas the producers enjoy adding after the movie credits. X-Men: The Last Stand has joined the party - endure the credits to be invited.

Jesus is super, man

I've just discovered that a new Superman movie is in the offing, but a quick look at the trailer has me wondering exactly who paid for the filming, especially if the whole movie pushes the fundamental^* line in the trailer:

For this reason, I sent them you... My only son.

That had me giggling uncontrollably. I can't want for the press' reaction.

^* pun intended

Joke

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wriggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut, and said to his wife:
"Now, tell him you have a headache!!!"

Does he mean to imply men should be no better than gorillas at controlling their impulses?

Jaw-dropping

Chris Bliss. Juggling.

And a retort.