Just got back from seeing the Chihuly installation at Kew Gardens and, as the title of this post suggests, the resemblance to various Shoggoths and Mi-Go was unmistakable to those of us of an eldritch bent. There was a tangible sense of alien infestation in the Temperate House, heightened by the deepening dusk and somber weather (not to mention the glasses of wine and a dearth of promised canapés). Green maggots, yellow lilies and multicoloured orbs from space were tucked in amongst fern fronds and palms. Large orange tentacular masses hung ominously over entrances and archways, and I'm sure I even spotted a Triffid or two in their early developmental stages.
Most everyone else seemed to see pretty glass flowers. Fools!
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Friday, July 22, 2005
Danger: Humour
Wonder Showzen has come to MTV.UK, in a very late night slot, but you can find some of the choicer segments here, if you've missed the surreality of it all so far. Just don't be tripping when you view.
While on the subject of new animateds, Drawn Together is worth a peek as well. Take every Big Brother show you've ever avoided watching, bend reality 90° to the fnurl, and then add a dash of lime, and you'd still not be close to the madness of their antics.
While on the subject of new animateds, Drawn Together is worth a peek as well. Take every Big Brother show you've ever avoided watching, bend reality 90° to the fnurl, and then add a dash of lime, and you'd still not be close to the madness of their antics.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Dalek Llama?
The Dalek Song, in the noble tradition of the Llama and Sawyer songs. So says the subscript, anyway.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Mobile madness
excerpt from the Returns Reduction Handbook provided as standard issue to Carphone Warehouse staff during training
Glossary of Terms
1mark: customer
2con: contract
3service provider: fictional, gross misnomer when used to refer to mobile call carriers
4bait: mobile phone
5hook: upgrade
6swallowed the bait: by extension, accepting/receiving/signing for a mobile phone
7Ol' Reliable: "I don't know why. It's just procedure."
Disclaimer: This entry is intended as a parody. I have no proof that there is an Advanced Returns Reduction Handbook or that the instructions above are part of Carphone Warehouse staff training. It sure as hell seems that way, though, doesn't it?
...Now apply these rules to my attempt at undoing Zara's contract upgrade, including a free Samsung D500, and you have an account of my free time since last Thursday.Upgrades
...
- Occasionally, a mark1 will go temporarily insane and suffer the delusion that another carrier can offer a better rate. The mark will call to request that their con2 be cancelled.
- UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you do this simply on request.
- Obtain details of the illusionary better offer, and point out that Carphone Warehouse has a con that is almost as good. Never match the offer; it's not necessary. The effort of switching to a service provider3 is worth at least 25% of the difference in cost.
- Offer newer, shinier bait4 than the mark is imagining (at a higher con rate, of course. It is newer and shinier). Our cons are designed to recoup the cost of any bait included with the con.
- If neither of these tactics obtains immediate acquiescence, remind the mark of the many irritations concomitant with switching carrier; change of number, down time between cons, endless paperwork. Then refer back to the points above.
- Less common still is the mark who, having been presented the hook5, continues to entertain the delusion that there is a better offer, and calls back to cancel.
- First call: Ask whether the mark has swallowed the bait6.
- If so, refuse to acknowledge any possibility of cancellation. Insist that swallowing the bait constitutes automatic, incontrovertible acceptance of the con, irrespective of who signed for the delivery. Should the mark ask to speak to someone else, inform them that there is no-one else available at present and that they will need to call back.
- If not, inform the mark that, until they have swallowed the bait, the hook will not be in place, and you will be unable to start processing a cancellation order. When they call back having swallowed the bait, refer to the point above.
- Second call: If the mark is undeterred, they will be calling back to dispute the first call.
- Sweetly agree with the mark that, of course, they are entitled to change their mind and have the hook removed. It is company policy.
- Express confusion and regret that any employee of Carphone Warehouse would have indicated otherwise.
- Alert the mark to their sole responsibility for ensuring that the bait is returned to Carphone Warehouse in order to remove the hook. Any cost incurred so doing is completely the mark's concern.
- UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to volunteer the following information: Should the mark ask about returning the bait to a branch of Carphone Warehouse, you may grudgingly concede that such a thing has been known to occur.
- Make it very clear that cancellation of the con has to be requested in writing. Should the mark query this, given that the hook was cast on verbal instruction alone, you should cite Ol' Reliable7
- The truly determined mark will not balk at this latest requirement and will return the bait by mail or, in some exceedingly rare instances, even present the bait in person at a Carphone Warhouse branch:
- Returns by mail...
...- Returns in person:
- First visit: After listening attentively to the mark and ascertaining the reason for the return as being a change of mind, tap randomly on the keyboard for a few minutes, and then inform the mark that the hook is not showing as having been cast on the system yet but a request to have it removed has been placed. Request that the mark return to any branch later in the day or on a following day to return the bait and receive a receipt
- Second visit: If a mark arrives at a branch with bait and insists that the above has already occurred, tap randomly on the keyboard for a few minutes AND pretend to make a 15 minute call to some nebulous 'Authorisation Centre'. Then inform the mark that the returns procedures have changed since they last attempted to return the bait (no matter how recently they claim to have tried) and that an email needs to be sent from the branch to the Authorisation Centre. The hook can only be removed on receipt of an authorisation email in reponse. The mark has to be present for the entire process. No estimated duration need be supplied.
- Third visit: If a mark arrives at a branch with bait and recounts both events above, repeat exactly the Second Visit scenario, but allow the mark to leave while the emails are being exchanged if they leave the bait at the branch. Reassure them that it will be completed by the end of that day and that they will receive a call once the bait has been logged as returned and the hook has been removed.
- Fourth visit: If a mark arrives at a branch without bait, and recounts the visits above, check if the mark can identify the staff member who took receipt of the bait
- If not, ask for their receipt for the phone. As they will not have one yet, pursuant to Visit 3 above, you can insist that the mark still has their bait and the hook remains in place.
- If so, claim that the person responsible for processing authorisation on returned bait has been in a meeting all day and has been unable to process any such cancellations. Assure the mark that it will be done, and that they will receive a call once the bait has been logged as returned and the hook has been removed.
- Fifth visit: If the mark makes it back for a fifth try, let it go.
Glossary of Terms
1mark: customer
2con: contract
3service provider: fictional, gross misnomer when used to refer to mobile call carriers
4bait: mobile phone
5hook: upgrade
6swallowed the bait: by extension, accepting/receiving/signing for a mobile phone
7Ol' Reliable: "I don't know why. It's just procedure."
Disclaimer: This entry is intended as a parody. I have no proof that there is an Advanced Returns Reduction Handbook or that the instructions above are part of Carphone Warehouse staff training. It sure as hell seems that way, though, doesn't it?
Friday, July 08, 2005
You call that scary?!
This is just too perfect not to share:
Thereby proving that John Kovalic could easily be British, with that wry humour
Thereby proving that John Kovalic could easily be British, with that wry humour
Techo bunny alert
Never thought I'd hear a dance track I'd actually like. Then I heard Poor Leno by Röyksopp, at their Glastonbury performance. Now I'm eating my words.
Stoked!
There are times, though they are rare, that I really love my job. I've just finished the reconciliation of 3 bank accounts against 4 sets of ledgers over 2 months including some tricky cross-posting and numerous errors on the part of our bankers. To the penny. The adrenalin is pumping. The music does help (Hard industrial and EBM, compliments of Biodustrial.com).
Thursday, July 07, 2005
I'm fine too
Useful things, these bulletin boards. I am not exploded, burned, shrapnelled, smoked or trampled. I am at work. Don't know how I'm going to get home, mind you, but with the estimated death toll at 20 at the moment, I'm not going to complain (loudly).
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Star War 3: Backstroke of the West
(snaffled from technomom)
What happens when DVD pirates are infected by the Babelfish meme1.
What happens when DVD pirates are infected by the Babelfish meme1.
- 1BabelFish meme
- Take the first verse, or the chorus, of a song in English (or some other base language), plug it into the Babel Fish translation engine, and translate it back to English (or your base language) via one or more other languages. Then post it for people to guess the song
- e.g. Hotel California via Greek and French
- with an obscure fresh air of deserted trunk roads to my hot odor trj' has colitas which increases above via the air above in front of at the distance evle' I da a light of lampyrj' smatos my head became heavy, and my sight became obscure me was necessary that it stops because the night there was held with the door heard the bell of sending and I thought of with this one it could be sky or this one it could be the hell then it lit above a candle and it opened the road to me it was there voices under corridor I thought I heard them I say
London 2012
It's official. We've been burdened with the circus.
To be fair, I don't have a specific problem with the Olympic Games. It's having them on my doorstep that's annoying me. More accurately, paying to endure the inconvenience. It's been postulated that each household in London can expect to pay an additional £20 in local taxes each year for the next 10 years to raise the necessary funds. Only £20, you might say, but in truth it's another £20 on top of an already crippling level of taxation1. What's more, as with every 'interim' measure of this nature, it's hardly likely that the bureaucrats in charge in a decade's time are going to reduce the taxes by £20 again because the term has come to an end, is it? Also, local taxes are increased each year as a function of the average rate of inflation. I'd place very high odds against some functionary excluding the £20 surtax from their calculations when they come to winding the press a little tighter at each year's budget review.
So here's to the £234.632 the 2012 Olympics will cost me personally, and the cost heritage in perpetuity to every London resident. Hip hip...
1 22% Pay As You Earn, 11% National Insurance, for a whopping third of your income going to the government if you don't earn more than £30000p.a., that is. Oh, and let's not forget local taxes of at least £1200p.a. Weee!
2 estimating average inflation at 3.5%p.a.
To be fair, I don't have a specific problem with the Olympic Games. It's having them on my doorstep that's annoying me. More accurately, paying to endure the inconvenience. It's been postulated that each household in London can expect to pay an additional £20 in local taxes each year for the next 10 years to raise the necessary funds. Only £20, you might say, but in truth it's another £20 on top of an already crippling level of taxation1. What's more, as with every 'interim' measure of this nature, it's hardly likely that the bureaucrats in charge in a decade's time are going to reduce the taxes by £20 again because the term has come to an end, is it? Also, local taxes are increased each year as a function of the average rate of inflation. I'd place very high odds against some functionary excluding the £20 surtax from their calculations when they come to winding the press a little tighter at each year's budget review.
So here's to the £234.632 the 2012 Olympics will cost me personally, and the cost heritage in perpetuity to every London resident. Hip hip...
1 22% Pay As You Earn, 11% National Insurance, for a whopping third of your income going to the government if you don't earn more than £30000p.a., that is. Oh, and let's not forget local taxes of at least £1200p.a. Weee!
2 estimating average inflation at 3.5%p.a.
Cinema picnic
In order for you to fully understand the importance of this little tale, some back story first. In my childhood in South Africa, cinemas were fiercely protective of their right to fleece their customers by charging them extortionate prices for essential movie-viewing snacks. Patrons were forbidden to carry any food or drink into the cinema, and I remember many a time when we'd decide to watch a film after having been shopping, and having to have our bags locked away in the manager's office before being handed our ticket stubs and escorted into the Ster Kinekor premises. As a result, there was a piercing illicit thrill to smuggling cheaply-bought munchies in with us whenever possible, concommitant with the risk of being ushered out without refund should we be caught.
The British, I'm increasingly reminded, are more relaxed about such things. You wish to have a glass of wine in the park with your friends? No problem, just don't cause a disturbance. You want to cool off by jumping into this public fountain? Okay, make it quick, as long as you don't offend anyone. So, when a friend and I decided to watch Kung Fu Hustle last night immediately after work, I thought I'd pick up a decent dinner-sized, picnic-style meal for us to enjoy while we were entertained by the zany goings-on on-screen. Some rolls and a selection of cold meats, a bag of tortilla crisps, some marked-down custard tarts and a 4-pack of Heineken seemed a reasonable spread, and I arrived at the theatre, left a seat between us as a table, and laid out our meal. Glenn's growing amazement as I unpacked was ample evidence that he had not truly understood what I meant by 'dinner snacks' and has not yet come to terms with the less oppresive London culture.
Neither have I, it must be said. Not fully, anyway. That old rebellious thrill is still there, the perfect condiment to our dinner-in-the-dark.
The British, I'm increasingly reminded, are more relaxed about such things. You wish to have a glass of wine in the park with your friends? No problem, just don't cause a disturbance. You want to cool off by jumping into this public fountain? Okay, make it quick, as long as you don't offend anyone. So, when a friend and I decided to watch Kung Fu Hustle last night immediately after work, I thought I'd pick up a decent dinner-sized, picnic-style meal for us to enjoy while we were entertained by the zany goings-on on-screen. Some rolls and a selection of cold meats, a bag of tortilla crisps, some marked-down custard tarts and a 4-pack of Heineken seemed a reasonable spread, and I arrived at the theatre, left a seat between us as a table, and laid out our meal. Glenn's growing amazement as I unpacked was ample evidence that he had not truly understood what I meant by 'dinner snacks' and has not yet come to terms with the less oppresive London culture.
Neither have I, it must be said. Not fully, anyway. That old rebellious thrill is still there, the perfect condiment to our dinner-in-the-dark.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Client service
or, Why We Hate Stupid Calls
Ring!
Me: Hi, you're through to Accounts. You're speaking to Greg. How may I help you?
Her: Can I speak to Greg, please?
Me: (sigh) Speaking. How may I help you?
Her: I don't understand this amount on our account. Can you explain it to me please?
Me: Please hold one moment while I bring up your account... Okay. I can see 3 outstanding amounts on your account. Which amount are you calling about?
Her: Well, call me stupid, but I don't understand any of this.
The temptation to take her up on her offer is almost overwhelming but I bite down on my tongue hard enough to leave bruises before taking a deep breath and continuing
Me: Let's make sure we're looking at the same figures. The statement you're holding, does it show a total outstanding of Z?
Her: Yes.
Me: Great. And there are 3 items showing on the statement, totalling Z?
Her: Yes.
Me: Looking at these items, I'm guessing that your confusion stems from the balance due on the first item, as the other two are recent and straightforward, so...
Her: Slow down! Not so fast. So, you're looking at the first item?
Me: (teeth clenched) Yes. An amount of Y.
Her: Um. Okay. With you now.
Me: We originally invoiced you for an amount of X but we only received payment for part of the invoice, so the amount of Y remains to be paid.
Her: I don't understand why the invoice was underpaid.
She said in the aggrieved tone of someone expecting me to tell her why her company paid us less than we billed them. *slaps head*
Me: We did query the short payment at the time, and were told that the balance would be settled, but no subsequent payment has been sent. I sent you a copy of the original invoice, showing the amount of X billed, as well as a copy of your payment advice to us, showing the amount you paid and the reference to our invoice number, so that you'd have everything you need to conclude the transaction on your end and settle the balance of Y on the invoice.
Her: Yes, I saw all that but, call me stupid, but I didn't understand any of it.
Please stop asking. I won't be able to hold it back forever!
Me: I hope it's clearer now.
Her: Um. So we should have paid you X, and we've paid Y instead?
Me: (Aaaaarg!) No, there is an amount of Y still to be paid. If you deduct the amount you paid us, which is on the payment advice I've included for you, from the amount X we billed you, which is on the copy invoice I've included for you, you will arrive at the balance Y showing on the account statement I sent you.
Her: I'll have to look at this and call you back.
Because I only put in half my brain before I left home this morning and I'll need my other brain cell to grasp X - (less than X) is not zero
And people wonder why "Customer Services" is an oxymoron.
Ring!
Me: Hi, you're through to Accounts. You're speaking to Greg. How may I help you?
Her: Can I speak to Greg, please?
Me: (sigh) Speaking. How may I help you?
Her: I don't understand this amount on our account. Can you explain it to me please?
Me: Please hold one moment while I bring up your account... Okay. I can see 3 outstanding amounts on your account. Which amount are you calling about?
Her: Well, call me stupid, but I don't understand any of this.
The temptation to take her up on her offer is almost overwhelming but I bite down on my tongue hard enough to leave bruises before taking a deep breath and continuing
Me: Let's make sure we're looking at the same figures. The statement you're holding, does it show a total outstanding of Z?
Her: Yes.
Me: Great. And there are 3 items showing on the statement, totalling Z?
Her: Yes.
Me: Looking at these items, I'm guessing that your confusion stems from the balance due on the first item, as the other two are recent and straightforward, so...
Her: Slow down! Not so fast. So, you're looking at the first item?
Me: (teeth clenched) Yes. An amount of Y.
Her: Um. Okay. With you now.
Me: We originally invoiced you for an amount of X but we only received payment for part of the invoice, so the amount of Y remains to be paid.
Her: I don't understand why the invoice was underpaid.
She said in the aggrieved tone of someone expecting me to tell her why her company paid us less than we billed them. *slaps head*
Me: We did query the short payment at the time, and were told that the balance would be settled, but no subsequent payment has been sent. I sent you a copy of the original invoice, showing the amount of X billed, as well as a copy of your payment advice to us, showing the amount you paid and the reference to our invoice number, so that you'd have everything you need to conclude the transaction on your end and settle the balance of Y on the invoice.
Her: Yes, I saw all that but, call me stupid, but I didn't understand any of it.
Please stop asking. I won't be able to hold it back forever!
Me: I hope it's clearer now.
Her: Um. So we should have paid you X, and we've paid Y instead?
Me: (Aaaaarg!) No, there is an amount of Y still to be paid. If you deduct the amount you paid us, which is on the payment advice I've included for you, from the amount X we billed you, which is on the copy invoice I've included for you, you will arrive at the balance Y showing on the account statement I sent you.
Her: I'll have to look at this and call you back.
Because I only put in half my brain before I left home this morning and I'll need my other brain cell to grasp X - (less than X) is not zero
And people wonder why "Customer Services" is an oxymoron.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Work insanity + social life = no posts
It's been a crazy 3 weeks, and I don't really have the time even now to put any kind of comprehensive detail down, but if I don't do at least a bare minimum now, I'm going to start forgetting how to blog!
A weekend spent driving a total of 450miles over 16 hours to visit Kitty and her Wolfie in Bradford (near Leeds) taking in Blackpool as well kicks off the fun. A tennis-obsessed 2 weeks later, and I miss the finals of Wimbledon in another weekend of fun and frolic, with a pit-stop at the cinema en route to catch War of the Worlds (which was quite good) and Batman Begins (which was also quite good).
Capped it all off with a truly amazing time yesterday. BBQ and Black Russians and bad Kitties. Mmmmmmm.
A weekend spent driving a total of 450miles over 16 hours to visit Kitty and her Wolfie in Bradford (near Leeds) taking in Blackpool as well kicks off the fun. A tennis-obsessed 2 weeks later, and I miss the finals of Wimbledon in another weekend of fun and frolic, with a pit-stop at the cinema en route to catch War of the Worlds (which was quite good) and Batman Begins (which was also quite good).
Capped it all off with a truly amazing time yesterday. BBQ and Black Russians and bad Kitties. Mmmmmmm.
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