Mobile madness

excerpt from the Returns Reduction Handbook provided as standard issue to Carphone Warehouse staff during training

...

Upgrades

• Occasionally, a mark¹ will go temporarily insane and suffer the delusion that another carrier can offer a better rate. The mark will call to request that their con² be cancelled.
  • UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you do this simply on request.
  • Obtain details of the illusionary better offer, and point out that Carphone Warehouse has a con that is almost as good. Never match the offer; it's not necessary. The effort of switching to a service provider³ is worth at least 25% of the difference in cost.
  • Offer newer, shinier bait⁴ than the mark is imagining (at a higher con rate, of course. It is newer and shinier). Our cons are designed to recoup the cost of any bait included with the con.
  • If neither of these tactics obtains immediate acquiescence, remind the mark of the many irritations concomitant with switching carrier; change of number, down time between cons, endless paperwork. Then refer back to the points above.
• Less common still is the mark who, having been presented the hook⁵, continues to entertain the delusion that there is a better offer, and calls back to cancel.
  • First call: Ask whether the mark has swallowed the bait⁶.
    • If so, refuse to acknowledge any possibility of cancellation. Insist that swallowing the bait constitutes automatic, incontrovertible acceptance of the con, irrespective of who signed for the delivery. Should the mark ask to speak to someone else, inform them that there is no-one else available at present and that they will need to call back.
    • If not, inform the mark that, until they have swallowed the bait, the hook will not be in place, and you will be unable to start processing a cancellation order. When they call back having swallowed the bait, refer to the point above.
  • Second call: If the mark is undeterred, they will be calling back to dispute the first call.
    • Sweetly agree with the mark that, of course, they are entitled to change their mind and have the hook removed. It is company policy.
    • Express confusion and regret that any employee of Carphone Warehouse would have indicated otherwise.
    • Alert the mark to their sole responsibility for ensuring that the bait is returned to Carphone Warehouse in order to remove the hook. Any cost incurred so doing is completely the mark's concern.
    • UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to volunteer the following information: Should the mark ask about returning the bait to a branch of Carphone Warehouse, you may grudgingly concede that such a thing has been known to occur.
    • Make it very clear that cancellation of the con has to be requested in writing. Should the mark query this, given that the hook was cast on verbal instruction alone, you should cite Ol' Reliable⁷
• The truly determined mark will not balk at this latest requirement and will return the bait by mail or, in some exceedingly rare instances, even present the bait in person at a Carphone Warhouse branch:
  • Returns by mail...
    ...
  • Returns in person:
    • First visit: After listening attentively to the mark and ascertaining the reason for the return as being a change of mind, tap randomly on the keyboard for a few minutes, and then inform the mark that the hook is not showing as having been cast on the system yet but a request to have it removed has been placed. Request that the mark return to any branch later in the day or on a following day to return the bait and receive a receipt
    • Second visit: If a mark arrives at a branch with bait and insists that the above has already occurred, tap randomly on the keyboard for a few minutes AND pretend to make a 15 minute call to some nebulous 'Authorisation Centre'. Then inform the mark that the returns procedures have changed since they last attempted to return the bait (no matter how recently they claim to have tried) and that an email needs to be sent from the branch to the Authorisation Centre. The hook can only be removed on receipt of an authorisation email in reponse. The mark has to be present for the entire process. No estimated duration need be supplied.
    • Third visit: If a mark arrives at a branch with bait and recounts both events above, repeat exactly the Second Visit scenario, but allow the mark to leave while the emails are being exchanged if they leave the bait at the branch. Reassure them that it will be completed by the end of that day and that they will receive a call once the bait has been logged as returned and the hook has been removed.
    • Fourth visit: If a mark arrives at a branch without bait, and recounts the visits above, check if the mark can identify the staff member who took receipt of the bait
      1. If not, ask for their receipt for the phone. As they will not have one yet, pursuant to Visit 3 above, you can insist that the mark still has their bait and the hook remains in place.
      2. If so, claim that the person responsible for processing authorisation on returned bait has been in a meeting all day and has been unable to process any such cancellations. Assure the mark that it will be done, and that they will receive a call once the bait has been logged as returned and the hook has been removed.
    • Fifth visit: If the mark makes it back for a fifth try, let it go.

...

Now apply these rules to my attempt at undoing Zara's contract upgrade, including a free Samsung D500, and you have an account of my free time since last Thursday.

Glossary of Terms
¹mark: customer
²con: contract
³service provider: fictional, gross misnomer when used to refer to mobile call carriers
⁴bait: mobile phone
⁵hook: upgrade
⁶swallowed the bait: by extension, accepting/receiving/signing for a mobile phone
⁷Ol' Reliable: "I don't know why. It's just procedure."


Disclaimer: This entry is intended as a parody. I have no proof that there is an Advanced Returns Reduction Handbook or that the instructions above are part of Carphone Warehouse staff training. It sure as hell seems that way, though, doesn't it?