Client service

or, Why We Hate Stupid Calls

Ring!

Me: Hi, you're through to Accounts. You're speaking to Greg. How may I help you?

Her: Can I speak to Greg, please?

Me: (sigh) Speaking. How may I help you?

Her: I don't understand this amount on our account. Can you explain it to me please?

Me: Please hold one moment while I bring up your account... Okay. I can see 3 outstanding amounts on your account. Which amount are you calling about?

Her: Well, call me stupid, but I don't understand any of this.

The temptation to take her up on her offer is almost overwhelming but I bite down on my tongue hard enough to leave bruises before taking a deep breath and continuing

Me: Let's make sure we're looking at the same figures. The statement you're holding, does it show a total outstanding of Z?

Her: Yes.

Me: Great. And there are 3 items showing on the statement, totalling Z?

Her: Yes.

Me: Looking at these items, I'm guessing that your confusion stems from the balance due on the first item, as the other two are recent and straightforward, so...

Her: Slow down! Not so fast. So, you're looking at the first item?

Me: (teeth clenched) Yes. An amount of Y.

Her: Um. Okay. With you now.

Me: We originally invoiced you for an amount of X but we only received payment for part of the invoice, so the amount of Y remains to be paid.

Her: I don't understand why the invoice was underpaid.

She said in the aggrieved tone of someone expecting me to tell her why her company paid us less than we billed them. *slaps head*

Me: We did query the short payment at the time, and were told that the balance would be settled, but no subsequent payment has been sent. I sent you a copy of the original invoice, showing the amount of X billed, as well as a copy of your payment advice to us, showing the amount you paid and the reference to our invoice number, so that you'd have everything you need to conclude the transaction on your end and settle the balance of Y on the invoice.

Her: Yes, I saw all that but, call me stupid, but I didn't understand any of it.

Please stop asking. I won't be able to hold it back forever!

Me: I hope it's clearer now.

Her: Um. So we should have paid you X, and we've paid Y instead?

Me: (Aaaaarg!) No, there is an amount of Y still to be paid. If you deduct the amount you paid us, which is on the payment advice I've included for you, from the amount X we billed you, which is on the copy invoice I've included for you, you will arrive at the balance Y showing on the account statement I sent you.

Her: I'll have to look at this and call you back.

Because I only put in half my brain before I left home this morning and I'll need my other brain cell to grasp X - (less than X) is not zero

And people wonder why "Customer Services" is an oxymoron.